Unforgiving
by Gabriels-Boyfriend
Summary: When Dean Winchester has a nightmare where he accidentally beheaded Sam, he is unable to forgive himself. Despite the fact that it was a dream, it affects him in his waking life. Castiel takes Dean to Zadkiel, the angel of forgiveness, to help him forgive himself.
Dean gripped the bloody machete tightly in his right head. The room was covered in blood stains which reached the ceiling. The stench of dead bodies filled his nostrils. A few corpses, which were stacked in a corner, had a wound on the side of their neck. The rest of the bodies, which surrounded Dean, were decapitated. He looked at the headless vampires and saw something that caught his attention. He had a large, muscular build. He was a giant compared to the other bodies. He instantly figured out who the body belonged to. He dropped his machete and ran towards Sam.

"Sammy!" He cried. He looked at his own hands, and they were covered in blood. There was a good chance that some of the blood belonged to Sam. The machete on the floor reflected his face, and he turned away in disgust. He beheaded his own brother. He was nothing more than a monster.

What started out as clearing a vampire nest turned into a tragedy. He would never forgive himself for what he did, and he was willing to accept any punishment for what he did. Sam was gone, and it was all his fault. No one made him do anything. All the blame was on him, and he knew it.

Suddenly, Dean inhaled sharply and sat up. The nest of decapitated vampires and Sam's dead body abruptly disappeared and was replaced by his bedroom. He sighed in relief, realizing it was just a nightmare. Still half asleep, he walked to the kitchen and made some coffee. In the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of a box on the table. It was thick and had a square surface. His eyes moved to the object and read "Pecan Pie" on the box.

"I got you pie," Sam said, already sitting at the table. Dean didn't notice him at first because he just wanted coffee. He didn't expect Sam to be awake yet. He glanced at the clock at read 10:45 AM.

"Was I asleep for that long?" Dean asked, confused.

"Yeah," Sam confirmed. "You were sleeping like a baby."

"I didn't feel like a baby," Dean responded. The image of Sam's headless body popped up in his mind. Dream or no dream, he killed Sam. "Sam, I'm a monster."

The comment confused Sam. It seemed out of nowhere. "No, you're not. Why would you say that?"

"I killed you," Dean confessed. He explained his nightmare to Sam and how he was so careless with killing the vampires that he beheaded his own brother.

"It was just a bad dream," Sam informed him. "I'm still here."

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I killed you!" Dean explained, full of rage. He was still angry at himself. He hated himself for being so careless, even if it was in a dream. "I'm going to call Cas here to kill me because you won't do it."

"Dean," a monotonous voice behind Dean said. Even with the monotone, there was a hint of concern in the voice. Dean turned around and saw Castiel, wearing his usual, light brown trench coat. He stood there, silently staring at Dean.

"Well?!" Dean shouted. "What are you waiting for?!"

Castiel pressed a finger against Dean's forehead, and both of them appeared in an open field covered in perennial flowers of various colors. A scrawny man with a white dress shirt and a grey vest looked at Dean. Dean recognized him instantly.

Dean looked at Castiel and asked, "What is Garth doing here?"

"That's not Garth," Castiel replied.

Dean, not thinking clearly, gripped the collar of the man who looked like Garth and shouted, "Who the hell are you!" He pushed the man down and stormed over to Cas yelling, "He's a shifter, isn't he?!"

"I'm Zadkiel," the man stated.

"I don't care what your name is!" Dean roared.

Zadkiel looked over at Castiel, his eyes brooding with confusion and concern. It was clear to him that Dean was mostly angry at himself, but his rage was getting out of control. He exhaled sharply and looked at Dean, "I'm not a shapeshifter. I want to help you."

"I don't need help!" Dean shouted, folding his arms.

"I'm the angel of forgiveness," Zadkiel explained. He slowly and cautiously walked over to Dean.

Dean's anger disappeared and was replaced with a mixture of confusion and guilt, "Garth became a werewolf."

"He did," Zadkiel confirmed. "Angels can't possess a human once they turn into a monster unless that human is their true vessel, and they possessed them at least once before they turned. Do you remember that case in Kearney, Missouri, where you hunted a spectre? That was me, not Garth."

Dean scoffed and shook his head, "No. That was definitely Garth!"

Zadkiel chuckled. "I'm glad I was convincing."

"To be fair, he was convincing because he and Garth aren't too different," Castiel commented.

Zadkiel held up a finger, ready to defend himself. After a bit of silence, he lowered his finger and shook his head, "I can't argue with that." He looked Dean straight in the eyes and said, "I'm here to help you forgive yourself, not explain how I'm so good at acting like my vessel."

"You're a good man, Dean," Castiel stated.

"I killed Sam," Dean told Castiel. "How could a good man kill someone they love?" His voice was slightly higher than usual, and tears flooded down his cheeks.

"When you beheaded Sam, did you intend on killing him?" Zadkiel asked.

Dean glared at Zadkiel. How could he ask that kind of question? "No. That doesn't mean anything. I still did it."

"It does mean something, Dean," Zadkiel countered. "It means that you care about Sam and would never want to hurt him. If a nightmare like that affects you, it means you are a good man. A monster wouldn't care. They wouldn't feel remorse, anger, or grief. You're afraid of losing Sam. Tell me how that doesn't make you a good man."

Dean didn't say a word. He stared at the flowers in front of him. The tears continued to flow down his face. Zadkiel was right about one thing. He was afraid of losing Sam. Sam died before, but there was going to be a time when Sam's death was permanent. He couldn't accept that. Sam was all he had left. "How can I forgive myself?" He asked as he bawled.

Zadkiel put his right hand on Dean's shoulder. "You start with seeing yourself as a good person. You're the reason everything is still here. If it weren't for you and your brother, this world would have been destroyed. Even on a smaller scale, you saved the lives of others when all hope was lost. You stand strong in the face of danger. Thanks to you, people can sleep safely at night."

Dean's tears slowed down, but they didn't completely stop. "I have done terrible things as well."

"How do you feel when you do terrible things?" Zadkiel asked.

"Bad," Dean answered. He couldn't understand why the angel asked that question. He already knew the answer. That was why he was here. If he didn't feel bad about the terrible things, Zadkiel wouldn't need to convince him to forgive himself.

"You have made mistakes, and I'm not here to tell you that you didn't," Zadkiel explained. "I'm here to tell you that you need to put what you did in the past. You can't change it now. As for your brother, it was a dream. You never beheaded your brother, and it wasn't intentional. In your situation, it's normal to blame yourself for what happened. What you need to do is forgive yourself. I can help you with that."

Dean recalled the time he was on trial. His guilt almost got him killed. He didn't want something like that to happen again. He already caused enough problems. He didn't want his guilt to cause more. He looked up at Zadkiel. "Help me forgive myself."

Zadkiel closed his eyes and put two fingers on Dean's forehead. Memories of the times he and Sam saved lives by hunting monsters filled his mind, followed by the moments where he was truly happy. Those memories were special. Being a hunter didn't come with many happy memories, so he cherished the few happy memories he had.

Dean stopped crying, and his breathing returned to normal. "Sam means everything to me," Dean explained. He was aware that both angels knew, but he still wanted to say it. "It was good to see you," he said, extending an arm.

Zadkiel ignored the hand and wrapped his arms around him. After letting go of Dean, he grinned and said, "You were expecting that."

Dean chuckled and admitted, "Yeah, I was."

Castiel walked over to him and transported him back to the kitchen.

Sam was still sitting at the table. "Hey, Dean," He said as he looked up.

Dean figured that Castiel was gone. With everything behind him, he poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed a slice of pie. Then he sat next to Sam and ate his breakfast. The fear of losing Sam wasn't on his mind. Instead, it was the fact that Sam was next to him.

"What happened?" Sam asked.

Dean took a sip of his coffee and explained, "An angel named Zadkiel, who was using Garth's vessel, talked to me and reminded me that I'm good."

Sam exhaled sharply, "I don't get why you needed to be reminded of that."

Dean didn't say anything. Instead, he took a bite of his pie and stared into space. Before Zadkiel made some of his good memories pop up in his head, nearly all of his memories were dark. It was hard for him to see himself as a good person when he remembered the times he failed more than he remembered the times he succeeded. At last, he stated. "I couldn't forgive myself for all the times I let others down… all the times I let you down. I couldn't see myself as a hero."

"You can't save everyone," Sam told him.

"I know," Dean replied, "We did the best we could."

"We did," Sam said, smiling.

Dean finished eating his pie and drinking his coffee, but he didn't get up. He decided to sit at the table with Sam for some time. Neither of them said a word, but they enjoyed each other's company.


End file.
